Lake Over Lake

Goals

One of my coaches, DJ, asks this question over and over: "What's your goal?" He asks everyone this, not just me, but. I never really know how to answer. Lose 5 pounds? I've done that many times. Bench press some number of pounds beyond my current limit? Sure, ok. But also whatever. Don't get me wrong: I love weightlifting and take it pretty seriously, as much as a 52 year old fella can I suppose. I don't think that my goals, if I have any worth having, are about attaining some state whether strength or being or anything like that. I just want to. I do want to know why though. Why is there this drive compelling me?

Is it fear? Is it keeping out ahead of the end? I think it might be. I have more yesterdays in me than tomorrows. I will weaken, it will get harder and harder to get up, my body will at some point deny me this. Not today or tomorrow or soon, but time will tear at me with its teeth chewing off hunks bit by bit until I am consumed, just a mess of bones and gristle. Fuck me, that's morbid! It's some spite then, this thing. Until I can't, until I reach failure, I'll be damned if I don't get it all in, feel all of the blood in me swirling through, feel my heart race like a monster behind me. Feel the torsion in my limbs creak and pop gently and then not. Rage against the blah blah blah.

Anyway, the shoes are cool and I like how I feel, deep in a squat where I can run my hands over my legs and feel them, taut, tight, just a touch swollen. I like how my left shoulder looks, there's just a touch of curve where it used to be flat. I have just enough of what I need to hang with the others, enough speed or strength or endurance to know I can do it, I belong. I have friends.

Is it a worthy goal to know? Know what drives you, what frightens you, what makes you submit to or run from or embrace pain? Idk, knowledge is suspect. Wanting it, needing it, got us kicked out of Eden. Also, knowing stuff is sometimes sorta bullshit as this bit of dialog from an old Danny Boyle crime film illustrates pretty well:

DAVID: They know.

ALEX: They can know all they like. It won't do them the slightest bit of good!

Some other times, though, maybe knowing, or trying to know is all we can do.

So, what are your goals?